A light house!

Car keys

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them .......
His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot !

Goldberg

There are many Chinese American laundry shops in the USA and they normally use Chinese names. There is one very popular laundry shop chain named Goldberg Laundry but it is owned and operated by a Chinese family. One day a customer gets very curious and asks the owner how come the name of their laundry shop is Jewish even though they are Chinese. "Well, it happened like this," the owner, whose surname is Ting, explains. "My grandfather was lining up for registration at the Immigration counter and he was behind a Jewish gentleman who reported that his name was Goldberg. Then my grandfather's turn was next and when asked to report his name, he said,"Sam Ting."

Putting problems?

If you are a golfer and you have problems with your putting. Here is a solution. Play on this course where all the holes are of a more reasonable size.

Rewards in heaven

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

VATICAN HUMOUR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today..'

Golf secrets revealed

This video has gone viral on the internet.
http://www.monstergolfswing.com/

I like being old

As I've aged, I've become kinder to, and less critical of, myself. I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50s, 60s & 70s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, eventually, I remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray (and my head becoming bald), and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it) and don't give a damn....

(contributed by Uki)

Non-partisan Humour

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defence' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "The Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal: "If they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
~Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

I am reminded of a joke:
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is a solution!!!

(contributed by SKG)

House of ill repute

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..
There were four men ....
one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

* The man going up the hill: was rushing (Russian)
* The man in the brothel: him-a-laying (Himalayan)
* The man walking down the hill: was finished (Finnish)

Now wait for it ..




Ya gonna hate this .............................................








* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

Married for 50 yrs

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

“Now ... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

Men

Men are like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,well
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Comparing notes

A doctor from France says:
"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work." 

The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person;
we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

 
A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person;
we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." 

The U.S. doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now the whole damn country is looking for work.

Pub crawl

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close. He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.;
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

(contributed by Priscilla Wong)

Your pilot speaking

Falcon Nesting in a Tree

I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I’ve ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the river"

(contributed by Veronica)

Raped by the government

EMPLOYMENT NOTICE for OLD People
***********************************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
(Rough language ahead so don't proceed any further for those who cannot tolerate R rated language.)

Rubber

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy". The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up".

(contributed by Catharine Lee on FB)

Drunk story

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!'

(contributed by Catharine Lee on FB)